Lately ni, I perasan satu benda. I rasa… lega. Not the excited kind of happy, not the “everything is perfect” kind of feeling. Just lega. Macam dada yang selama ni sempit, sekarang boleh tarik nafas panjang sikit.
Dulu I selalu fikir, kenapa hidup I rasa berat. Kenapa hati ni cepat penat. I blamed situations, I blamed myself, I fikir maybe I tak cukup sabar, tak cukup kuat, tak cukup matang. Tapi sekarang bila I look back slowly, dengan hati yang lebih tenang, I realise something that’s hard to admit. A big part of my pain came from dealing with toxic people.
I stayed. I endured. I tried to understand. I kept quiet even when I was wrongly accused, when words were twisted, when intentions were questioned. I thought being patient means being a good person. Tapi rupanya, terlalu lama bersabar boleh buat kita lupa jaga diri sendiri.
Walking away wasn’t a sudden decision. It was quiet. It was painful. Banyak kali I rasa bersalah sebab memilih diri sendiri. Sebab kita selalu diajar untuk bertahan, untuk memahami, untuk jangan “putuskan hubungan”. But no one really talks about how damaging it is to keep explaining yourself to someone who never wanted to understand in the first place.
Alhamdulillah, since I stepped back, life feels lighter. Not easier, but lighter. My mind is calmer. My heart doesn’t feel like it’s constantly bracing for impact. I don’t wake up with anxiety thinking about what accusation might come next. And that peace… it’s priceless.
Still, I’m human. Kadang-kadang I terfikir juga. Adakah dia ok? Adakah dia bahagia? And sincerely, I hope dia ok. I hope dia jumpa ketenangan dia sendiri. There’s no hatred in my heart anymore. Just distance. And distance doesn’t mean doa berhenti.
Sebenarnya, I bukan tak sayang. I cuma takut, kalau I teruskan, sayang tu akan bertukar jadi benci. And I don’t want that. So I chose distance before resentment grows. I chose to step back while my heart masih mampu mendoakan yang baik-baik. I doakan dia dilindungi, dilembutkan hati, dan dipermudahkan hidupnya, walaupun dari jauh.
This whole experience taught me something I’m still learning to accept. You can be kind without sacrificing yourself. You can wish someone well without letting them back into your space. And choosing peace doesn’t make you selfish, it makes you self-aware.
For now, I’m grateful. Grateful for the lessons, for the growth, and for the courage to choose myself quietly, without drama, without revenge. Just honesty, healing, and a heart that finally feels safe again.
Till we meet again,
' Ain
